July 11th, 2009
“Blonde Bather” by Pierre Auguste Renoir, 1881
It used to be considered beautiful to look like the woman in this work of art.
Now we are all supposed to look like this
Which is clearly a conspiracy to make me and millions of other women feel like big fat fatties.
I took a shower several hours ago and let my hair air dry. It looked raggedy so I brought out the hot rollers I haven’t used in years. Adam is out of town and I didn’t have any plans so I did it just for me. I also put on eyeliner, mascara and lipstick.
I used to do that all the time back when I couldn’t stop looking at myself in the mirror. I have never been an exceptional beauty. But I used to really like the way I looked. Of course I had my gripes about my physical appearance. I even used to think I was fat when I was a size 6.
Now I look back on what I used to look like and I can barely remember what if feels like to feel cute and sexy and attractive. I know becoming a mother changes our bodies. But after 2 pregnancies and nursing both my girls for a little over a year each I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
The other day I asked a friend if a DR would suck the fat out of my belly and put it into my butt because I have no butt and I have plenty of extra belly. I also told her that I wish I could just be “fat and happy”. Wouldn’t that be great? It’s just not possible for me. It affects every aspect of my life. It isn’t fun to shop, I feel the disapproval from “fit people” and I am just unhappy with my body.
I have a host of excuses.
I have PCOS and that doesn’t help at all plus I am just extra short. Like not even 5 feet tall short. Like I totally lied on my drivers license short. Like my inner theme song is “I wish I was a little bit taller” by Skee-Lo short.
Nobody WANTS to be 4′11. In our state you have to ride in a booster seat until you are 9 years old AND 4′9. And I am 4′11. Can you just picture me driving my kids around town in my minivan all while sitting in a booster seat? Yeah well I’m not far from it.
And I really hate that I have such a bad self image. People with low self esteem make me uncomfortable. So I really don’t want to be like that. All down on myself or overly self critical. But I have to admit it’s hard to stay confident. Really hard.
So why can’t I just be happy with the way I look? Or why can’t I just get up early and exercise more often? I guess I know the answer to my own question.
I CAN. I can love myself and I can be happy with the way I look. I can forget about what people think about me and I can focus on how freaking awesome I am.
Yeah. awesome. Here I am…me.
And I made these people….
Of course I can’t take all the credit for creating these beautiful children…Adam’s is pretty darn good looking and he has the most beautiful eyes.
Plus he wears really cool hats.
Filed under Momservations | Comments (13)
Great post…and smile…your awesome!
Thanks for sharing such an honest post with us. Have you read “Do you Think I’m Beautiful?” by Angela Thomas? That book transformed my thinking and has helped me with a lot of my body image struggles.
Praying for you!
YOU are BEAUTIFUL!
Such a great post! I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO BLOG abouth TORI SPELLING vs me… and heere you are all cute and sweet you butthead.. Your hair is awesome and so is your smile! You’re friggin hilarious too…
OMG .. do I have a BLOG CRUSH ON YOU?? \
lmaoooo
d
Great Post…..I along with thousand of other mothers,bloggers, women,etc feel the same way….but you are a beautiful person inside and out….thanks for the post …we all need a reminder that most of have those feelings and we are not alone.
AWESOME I TELL YOU, AWESOME. AND BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AS WELL. AND TALENTED. AND A GOOD COOK. AND A GOOD HOUSEKEEPER. AND SWEET. AND A GREAT MOM. AND A GREAT WIFE. AND A GREAT DAUGHTER. AND A GREAT SISTER. AND A GREAT GRANDAUGHTER. AND A GREAT NIECE. I COULD GO ON AND ON. AND A GREAT IN-LAW. AND A GREAT ANIMAL TAKER CARER OF. AND YOUR “STRANGE” GRANDMA’S SENSE OF HUMOR. AND A LOVER OF LIFE. AND GOD HAS YOUR PICTURE ON HIS REFRIGERATOR. AND YOU SOMEHOW GOT YOUR AUNT MISSY SMILE, SO YOU KNOW THAT IS GREAT. AND TALK ABOUT EYES, YOURS ABSOLUTELY SHINE WITH THE LIGHT OF YOUR SOUL. AND BESIDES ALL OF THAT AND MUCH MUCH MORE….I LOVE YOU 3!!!! YOU ARE PERFECT AND THE BEST YOU!!!
You are definitely a beautiful woman with beautiful children. Love your body and cherish it for the journey it has taken. But Amen Sister…I totally get it!
Those are some damn fine hats!
You are certainly not the only person who doesn’t feel “pretty, cute, or sexy” anymore. I’m right there with you. It is so hard to accept changes in our bodies and even harder to accept responsibility for doing something about the things we don’t like. I HATE these feelings too! Please don’t feel alone!
I keep thinking that maybe if I was accountable to someone other than myself then I would do more, but then I say “nah – I don’t have time for that”….liar, liar – pants on fire! I wish we were on the same schedule – then we could totally motivate and do it together!!!!!!
You’re kind of right…it IS a conspiracy!!
You are a beautiful person inside and out. I agree with everything your Grandmother said. I am so glad God blessed our family with you. I love you.
I think you are beautiful now and awesome, and so are the people you made. Muah!
I’m right there with yah…
Loved this post!
Hey, Ashley. I think you’re cute. Good to see you again last night, this time at Margarit-Her! My fiance just heard on some news show plug this week that the average dress size of American women today is a 14-16, yet, reality show guest average a size 2. Hrrummph!