I am just not feeling myself.  Where normally there is a constant sense of peace, lately I have been feeling quite the opposite.  Instead of counting my blessings I have been focusing on the negatives.  I have this unfamiliar feeling that I have been trying to push out, but it is nagging me.  Persistent. Uncomfortable.

And the thing is…I am so very aware of what I need to do to rid myself of this feeling.  I am not praying enough.  I have been giving in to self pity and allowing myself to go to the dark places.

It’s ridiculous really.  Things are going better than they ever have been.  Adam and I are communicating and happy, our children are thriving and we seem to be on the right track.  We are wonderfully blessed people.

Then why have I been feeling overwhelmed, anxious and even bitter?  That is just not me.  I am hopeful, joyful and an eternal optimist.  It is really hard for me to put all of this out here.  I think it’s because I want to think of myself only in terms of my best.  It is painful for me to admit that sometimes I feel out of control.  If our house gets a little messy it makes it even worse.  It’ s like if I can keep things clean and uncluttered, then I can maintain sanity.  And the past week I haven’t managed to do either without a significant amount of extra effort.

Everything seems to bother me.  The news is driving me crazy.  I want to be aware of what is going on in the world, so I watch it…too much I think.  But even my favorite cable news channel is making me want to just turn it off and not pay attention.  Another thing…I don’t want to do housework.  Our pets are disgusting me and I want to go just one day without having to clean cat crap out of a box and vacuum kitty litter off of the floor so we don’t get it stuck to the bottom of our bare feet.  I want to run away from the never ending laundry and the perpetual dishes from 3 meals a day every day.  I want to not worry about what Livie is eating off of the carpet and hoping it’s not something horrid that Max tracked in from outside.  I want to tear apart our bathroom and start from scratch because it seems like no matter what I do it is NEVER really clean.

So, instead of allowing myself to dig a deeper hole, I have decided to grab myself by the front of my shirt and do something about it.  I have a little plan in my head that I hope will help drag me out of whatever slump/funk/craziness I have gotten myself into.    I am only writing this on the blog because I am hoping it will hold me accountable.  Here is the plan…

I have decided to try and refrain from drinking alcohol for 2 weeks.  And after that I am going to try to limit myself to weekends only.  I forgot and had a glass of Merlot with dinner on Monday night, but I didn’t have any tonight and yeah wish me luck on this part of my plan ya’ll.

Also I am going to start exercising again.  I have walked on the treadmill for two days in a row for about 40-45 minutes and I feel encouraged that I can keep it up.  I have been feeling extra hungry but I think it’s because I am still breastfeeding and it is just going to take my body some time to adjust. I actually enjoy working out and I need to lose like 35 lbs.  Maybe 40.  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though.

The most important part of this plan is the spiritual part.  I am faced with a choice.  I can grow and stretch and get even closer to God….OR….I can try to work on all of this alone.  Without Him.  Yeah, I am pretty sure I am going to ask for His help and accept this challenge.  I feel like this is a test.  It’s like God is encouraging me grow up a little…..again.  I am just experiencing a few growing pains.  So for all of the believers out there…please say a little prayer for me today. I was so hesitant to write this post.  I was in bed and my head was just so full.  I turned over to go to sleep and I then I just had to get up.   I guess I just needed a little perspective.  It’s all become a little more clear with every paragraph.

Maybe I am all over the place and no one will understand.  Maybe some of you will think I am losing my mind for real this time.  I am going to click publish and go with it.  I feel better already.

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