Grief is so strange.  It sneaks in at the weirdest times and completely over takes me.  Time is a good thing in terms of mourning.  It does get easier, but the sadness and devastation never gets weaker.  I remember a conversation  had with my Grandma a few days after Missy was found murdered.  We were sitting in a house FULL of people coming to be with us.  I asked her when it would stop hurting so bad.  She told me that eventually there would be a day to pass when I didn’t think about Missy.

She said that I would realize it and I would feel guilty for not being so sad.  I have already had a few of those times, but I have yet to experience a whole day where I didn’t feel sad that she is gone.  Everywhere I look there are reminders.  When Adam was out of town last weekend I had to tell myself that I couldn’t call her to see what she was doing.  I can’t just drop by her house.  She isn’t there.

I think the fact that it is getting close to Alivia’s first birthday is affecting me on many levels.  Obviously my baby is growing up and the first year is a big milestone.  But also I just can’t believe that Missy hasn’t been here to see her growing.  I am so very thankful that she was able to be there for Livie’s birth.  Looking back I never knew how special that would be to me.

I mean at the time all I could focus on was getting that baby OUT!  I never knew that it would be one of the last times I would see her. Then she and my Grandma came to visit the day before we left the hospital.  I was on pain killers and feeling very loopy.  There were quite a few people visiting at the same time, so it was kind of chaotic.  If only I would have known that I would never get to talk to her again after that day, I would have hugged her a little tighter.  I would have looked in her eyes and made sure that she knew how much she meant to me.  But we rarely get a chance to know these things do we?

It’s so weird because as I write this I am actually sobbing and wiping away tears.  I really thought I had no more tears left to cry.  I haven’t cried since the last day of the trial when the guilty verdict was read.  I guess I healed a lot that day.  But, I don’t think me or anyone else in my family will ever be completely healed.

My eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.

Psalm 88:9

I wonder how many years will pass before we will have perfect peace that Missy is with our King.  I go back and forth because I know she is in Heaven, but I just want her here with us.  I want her to be able to raise her son without fear.

I know that everything happens for a reason.  But, I think that evil can foul up God’s plan sometimes.  I don’t believe that it was God’s will for her to be taken from us in such a violent way.  I just refuse to believe that murder is ever a part of God’s plan.  Having said that though, I do believe that good things will come out of this horrible situation.

For he has made known to us in all wisdom and insight the mystery of his will, according to his purpose which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him, according to the purpose of him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will.

Ephesians 1:9-11

We have many things to be thankful for.  We can rejoice that Missy is in her Heavenly body.  She isn’t afraid anymore.  I do find peace in that.  When I wrote the word rejoice just now, I remembered that I wrote  something about that around Easter.  I am going to paste it here even though that will make this THE longest post EVER! Haha!

I just feel like it is important for me to get this out of my head because writing makes me more aware of what I need to be praying for. I wrote this on Easter Sunday in March 2007 on my Myspace blog.

I am feeling pretty good about today.  I think all of our firsts without Missy are going to be hard.  Our family is so awesome.  We still had a fun day. My Grandma gave me a cross that says Rejoice and the message is so beautiful.  Easter is a time to celebrate that Jesus has risen!  It is such a hopeful day and my family’s hope has been shadowed by this horrible tragedy.  I hate thinking about evil people and things.  It would be naive to pretend that they don’t exist, but at the same time I would rather not.  So I think it’s a good thing that we have been able to remember that there is no darkness in heaven….only eternal life.  The sun continues to rise and set and our lives will continue to move along.  It’s hard….really hard sometimes.  Pray for us please.  We are all handling it differently, but we still need prayer.  I still have hope that we will all be happy and content again.  I pray also that the legal side of all this will be resolved soon.  Fears creep into my thoughts.  Pray for justice.  Thank you for all of you who have been there for me.  Not only have you listened to me pour out my thoughts and feelings, you have given me lots of sweet words of encouragement.  It is so therapeutic for me to write.  Even if not many read….it really helps to get it out of my brain

Even though justice was served and her murderer will be in jail for the rest of his life, it won’t bring Missy back to us.  But we will see her again.  And what a day that will be!  For those of you who stuck with me through this ridiculously long post….Thank you.  I feel better already.

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