December 5th, 2008
It’s cold.
I know everybody likes the funny posts. I like ‘em too, but I am just sad. And this is my journal, so here it is. I have been feeling this coming on for weeks. Kind of like a cold that starts slow with a little scratch in your throat and then slowly turns into the flu that you just can’t shake. It wasn’t when the leaves turned colors. I loved that. The beginning of autumn was wonderful and full of fun. I love Halloween and pumpkins and all of that.
No it was when the leaves turned brown and they all started falling off of the trees. Now the trees are starting to look empty and dead. And it’s starting to get bitter cold. I can’t get warm and it’s not just my feet that are cold. It’s deeper than that…like my bones are made of ice.
Have you ever had really cold hands and then smashed your finger? Or your feet are freezing and you stub your toe on the coffee table? That’s kind of how I have been feeling inside. I am trying to fight the chill and not be so irritated by it.
The Christmas season is here. It has always been one of my favorite times of the year. The music, the decorations and lights, the food, and the magic of it all. It has never really mattered to me that all of these things come at the coldest time of the year. But this year the cold is so abrasive to me. It shocks me and makes me angry. I am not an angry person and I consider myself to be a go with the flow kind of girl, so these feelings are out of the ordinary for me. For days I have been complaining to Adam about how cold I am and how I can’t seem to get warm enough.
In 11 days it will have been one year since my grandparents found my Aunt Missy murdered in her bedroom. Her soul was already gone and in heaven with our King, but her body was there and the back door had been open for hours so it was freezing in her dark house. I wasn’t there when they found her, but I was present at the murder trial when I heard my grandma describe what she saw and felt that day. It was the only time I had to leave the courtroom because I became overcome with emotion. No parent should ever have to see what she and my grandpa saw when they walked into their daughter’s house that cold afternoon.
It was only days before Christmas when the monster took her away from us. Away from her young son, her parents, her family and her future. I wonder what he was thinking about. I imagine that he must have only had one thing on his mind and that was ending her life. What kind of human being can do such a thing?
I don’t see how anyone could do it. How could he walk into the house he used to come home to every night? He walked through the kitchen where she had cooked his meals. He walked past the living room lovingly decorated with the beautiful Christmas tree they bought together in Texas. He walked past the bathroom where she bathed their son. He walked past their son’s bedroom and then I can’t let myself think about what he did when he went to her bedroom.
I hope it was fast and she didn’t have time to cry. I hope she didn’t have time to think about what was happening to her. I hope she didn’t feel pain or feel scared that she was about to die at the hands of someone she once loved.
I know this is a lot to read. I know it’s hard to read. It even harder to write. So this is it. This is why I am having a hard time feeling joyful this year. This is why I am feeling so cold and sad. This is why it’s December 5th and I haven’t put our Christmas tree up yet. I usually have all of the decorations out the day after Thanksgiving. It’s just that all of the atmosphere around this season floods feelings back into my memory. Memories of some very dark days for my family.
Cold, dark days filled with shock and sadness and fear.
December 16th is the day my grandparents found her. It was a cold Sunday afternoon. It was starting to get dark outside. My mom had been at my house all day while we made Christmas cookies. We were listening to Christmas carols and having a wonderful day as a family. We gave the baby a bath. The dog knocked the pizza off the counter and ate some of it. Walk the Line was on tv. Then my dad called my mom on her cell phone and her face said it all. “Missy’s been murdered” she uttered and then she was gone. My brother was at my door in a few minutes. I couldn’t get a hold of Adam because he was recording in the studio. I have never felt so helpless in all my life.
The next few days were filled with tears and people and food and phone calls and staring. And now it has almost been a full year. We are all still living our lives. No one has checked themselves into any mental health facilities. We have hugged each other close and chosen to thank God for the blessings we have.
This morning I was on the way home from taking Addison to school. I was listening to Christmas songs and The First Noel came on. It has never been my favorite carol, but as I listened to the lyrics I felt tears on my cheeks.
I know it’s ok to be grieving, but I should be rejoicing. It is such a privilege to be able to celebrate our Savior’s birth. Of course I’ll put up the tree for the kids, but when I put out the Nativity scene that my grandma gave me I will be praising God for sending His Son to this earth to atone for our sins. Missy would want us to be joyful as a family. She loved Christmas so much and I am sad that she isn’t here with us. But she gets to celebrate Christ’s birth with Christ himself. Wow! Thank you if you have stuck with me this long. I feel warmer already.
Blessings to you and yours during this Christmas season.
Filed under family, life | Comments (16)
I’m praying for you and your family…
I am so sorry you had to experience such a tragedy in your life. Your family is in my thoughts this Christmas season.
I love you so much. I am so sorry that Missy is gone. This year will be hard, I know. I didn’t know her long, but knew her long enough to love her. I have already started praying for you all. I wish I lived closer so I could come over give you a big ol hug. xoxo
p.s.
If I could come over right now I would want to crawl in your warm comfy bed….
writing is good for the soul.
remembering Missy keeps her here with you and your family.
sharing your true self, true feelings is a gift to anyone who has the opportunity to read it.
My cousin was tragically taken from her family, the minister said something I will ever forget, just a small part of wonderful homily, but all the same, these words stayed with me.
The Chinese Characters for the word CRISIS, is only 1 stroke of the pen different than the word
OPPORTUNITY. At first I was shocked that he would be talking in that manner during a funeral
Then I realized why he said it.
When we are in the midst of a crisis in our life, it is an opportunity. An opportunity to rise and do what is needed, what will help, what we CAN; and be the stronger because of it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I hope you feel the reward of truly putting yourself out there, it takes a lot of courage.
I just found you on twitter and yep it’s not quite the post I was expecting. My heart goes out to you and your family. Life is not always easy and I appreciate your honesty. God bless…
You know, it might be time for some new traditions and a brand new attitude. If you purposely make changes that are meant to honor Missy and her memory maybe you’ll feel slightly less guilty that you are still living and celebrating the holiday (as much as you feel comfortable celebrating). No one at all can blame you for your feelings. I completely understand how conflicted you feel to take care of your own heart (which is broken) while knowing that your family needs you. We are very lucky to have this opportunity to participate in your healing. By all means, kick, scream, cry, journal, call someone, call someone else, cry some more, get a sitter and take a long hot hot bath with wine and bubbles, make lots of hot chocolate, drink plenty of water, and get some exercise. It’s amazing what a little kickboxing can do for you. My sister has a babysitter at her house, in fact. Maybe you could invite someone very special to make Christmas cookies with you (and feed the dog pizza) this year.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this difficult holiday time. May you feel God’s comfort and peace and may He give you the strength to celebrate this Christmas season.
I agree with starting new traditions this year in honor of sweet Missy!
Blessings!!!
I’m so sorry. Hugs to you.
I’m so so sorry. I hope you and your family can somehow get to the place where you feel a sense of peace this year as you remember your beautiful Aunt Missy. I hope writing about this painful time helps heal your heart and soul, too.
xoxo
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I cried when I read this, and I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. May you find some peace and happy memories during the holidays.
Praying….
I know. I have felt that kind of cold, cold emptyness for a year now. Some people touch us and we feel them for the rest of our lives. Melissa was one of those people for me. I loved her as a sister. Your family has opened their arms, their homes and their hearts to me. I love you all.
Wow you made me laugh and cry all within a few minutes…. I know this time is hard and you miss her so much, ya’ll had that special bond and she will be with you, when you need her, she is still there! I love you!
You are so brave and strong. I love you!
Ashley this makes me so upset..i just wish she could have been there with us on christmas eve. but we all know she was there in Lukes room when us girls were all talking about things. I love you all like my family & is having such a hard time with her being gone. I cry all the time cause i dont know what else to do..i just wish we had her w/us & that horrible guy would have freakin thought about us. I love you Ashley. Are Aunt Missy is with us & always will be. stay strong.
[...] Birthday Aunt Missy…we miss [...]