These are the days I know will fly by like the landscape passing by a speeding minivan.  I am making many mistakes.  I raise my voice too often, I am too quick to get irritated, I say no more than yes  and I am often filled with mommy guilt at the end of the day.

But then we have moments when it all feels right.

Moments when my heart feels so full it might burst out of my chest.

Moments when no one is snatching a toy out of someone’s hands and no one is screaming because their world is coming to an end.

Well maybe the no screaming thing was taking it a little far.  Let’s be real.  Someone.is.always. screaming.

I guess that just comes with the territory.

And we do have peaceful moments occasionally.

A very special thank you to Elmo, Barney, Nemo and naptime for all the quiet moments.

This morning my friend Elizabeth called to chat on her way to work.  I was working on my first cup of coffee, the Wiggles were blaring annoyingly and I was just gearing my patience up for a day at home with my 21 month old and 8 yr old girls.  As soon as I got on the phone it was as if some signal was transmitted to their brains that prompted them to start using their outside voices and running crazy around the house with the dog.

Mass chaos ensued.  I tried to avoid yelling in Elizabeth’s ear.  We were having a lovely impromptu conversation and I really wanted to proceed uninterrupted. I scolded and threatened.

And then out of desperation I hid in the bathroom.  I grabbed my coffee and closed myself in.  But they were being so loud that I couldn’t concentrate even while hiding in the loo.  UGH  I was getting mad at this point. I don’t have enough patience most days.  It’s one of my greatest weaknesses.

So I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a wooden spoon and silently threatened  the older culprit.  She was the instigator.  She was obviously in need of attention…and she didn’t care if it was the negative type.  That was all it took.  I saw the look of understanding in her eyes.

I motioned with the wooden spoon for her to take her little self upstairs.  She nodded and climbed the stairs.  Behold the power of the wooden spoon!

One day last week she felt the sting of the spoon on her bottom after an episode of incredibly bad behavior.  I don’t spank often. I yell. (another weakness)  I do time out and I take things away. But those things are losing their effect on Addison.  Sometimes  she will do something she knows will get her in trouble and accept the time out. Sometimes it appears she thinks it’s worth it.

So that is why I spanked her with a wooden spoon last week.  Nothing else was working.  I wasn’t mad and I made her go in my room and wait for me.  I calmly walked in there and gave her 3 good swats on the bum.  She sat up on my bed looked me straight in the face and yelled “I HATE YOU!!!”

OUCH.  That one hurt.

I told her to stay in there until I came to get her and not to think about turning on the tv.  I closed the door and another “I hate you” was hurled in my direction.  That one hit the door and didn’t pierce me as deeply.   I called my friend Aimee to talk about it and soothe the mommy guilt that was quickly setting in. She has an 9 year old son and is familiar with this age group and it’s challenges.

Addison needed something to jolt her.  She needed a reminder that I am to be respected and obeyed and I am pretty sure the wooden spoon incident made an impact.

After we had both had some time apart I went in to talk to her about the actions that had caused the spanking in the first place.  I also explained the definition of the word hate.  I don’t think she realized how strong of a word she was using.  She asked me if we could start over and apologized to me.  We hugged and reassured each other that our love is unconditional.

She is a really good girl.  She wants to behave and for the most part she does.  Honestly parenting has been hard for me at every stage.  I have read countless books and tried many  methods.  Which may be the root of the problem.  She is my first child and earlier in her life I probably wasn’t as consistent as I could have been.  But she is loved immeasurably and I know she feels that.

And I know she loves me because she helped me put away towels the next day.  And I have a picture to prove it.  Oh and I left it like this for days until we put the house on the market.

*I think spanking has it’s place in the world of discipline.  And obviously it is a very controversial subject with a lot of parents.  I respectfully disagree with people who believe spanking is wrong and somehow damages a child’s self esteem.  If you are one of those people feel free to comment at will.  But please be nice.

“Blonde Bather” by Pierre Auguste Renoir, 1881

It used to be considered beautiful to  look like the woman in this work of art.

Now we are all supposed to look like this

Which is clearly a conspiracy to make me and millions of other women feel like big fat fatties.

I took a shower several hours ago and let my hair air dry.  It looked raggedy so I brought out the hot rollers I haven’t used in years.  Adam is out of town and I didn’t have any plans so I did it just for me. I also put on eyeliner, mascara and lipstick.

I used to do that all the time back when I couldn’t stop looking at myself in the mirror.  I have never been an exceptional beauty.  But I used to really like the way I looked.  Of course I had my gripes about my physical appearance.  I even used to think I was fat when I was a size 6.

Now I look back on what I used to look like and I can barely remember what if feels like to feel cute and sexy and attractive.  I know becoming a mother changes our bodies.  But after 2 pregnancies and nursing both my girls for a little over a year each I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

The other day I asked a friend if  a DR would suck the fat out of my belly and put it into my butt because I have no butt and I have plenty of extra belly.  I also told her that I  wish I could just be “fat and happy”.   Wouldn’t that be great?  It’s just not possible for me.  It affects every aspect of my life.  It isn’t fun to shop, I feel the disapproval from “fit people” and I am just unhappy with my body.

I have a host of excuses.

I have  PCOS and that doesn’t help at all plus I am just extra short.  Like not even 5 feet tall short. Like  I totally lied on my drivers license short.  Like my inner theme song is “I wish I was a little bit taller” by Skee-Lo  short.

Nobody WANTS to be 4′11.   In our state you have to ride in a booster seat until you are 9 years old AND 4′9.  And I am 4′11.  Can you just picture me driving my kids around town in my minivan all while sitting in a booster seat?  Yeah well I’m not far from it.

And I really hate that I have such a bad self image.  People with low self esteem make  me uncomfortable.  So I really don’t want to be like that.  All down on myself or overly self critical.  But I have to admit it’s hard to stay confident.  Really hard.

So why can’t I just be happy with the way I look?  Or why can’t I just get up early and exercise more often?  I guess I know the answer to my own question.

I CAN.  I can love myself and I can be happy with the way I look.  I can forget about what people think about me and I can focus on how freaking awesome I am.

Yeah. awesome.  Here I am…me.

And I made these people….

Of course I can’t take all the credit for creating these beautiful children…Adam’s is  pretty darn good looking and he has the most beautiful eyes.

Plus he wears really cool hats.

Ok now onto a serious matter…I may be mistaken but isn’t the  Easter Bunny a freaking vegetarian?  Actually isn’t he technically a vegan?  All he eats are salads right?  He absolutely adores carrots, celery, beets and lettuces.

Now I ask you….why oh WHY do we feel like it’s not Easter without a basket full of chocolate?   I don’t keep chocolate in the house and my kids don’t get to eat it very often.  But I went merrily into the Target near our house and filled a shopping cart with Reese cups wrapped in pastel tin foil and m&m’s that look like birds eggs ( it’s ok I got the dark chocolate kind so they’re “healthy” m&m’s)

I also bought Addison a solid chocolate bunny to put in her Easter bucket.  It’s not huge but it’s nothing but a brick of chocolate molded to look like a rabbit.  Because my almost 8 yr old daughter neeeeds more of a reason to act like a spaz.

Yeah she needs a solid brick of chocolate about as much as my waistline needs all of the chocolatey treats that I will be snarfing this week. Hey I only bought them  in the name of tradition.

You know what would be funny?  If I just decided to forgo the candy and just buy a veggie tray.

What do you think Addison would say if she came out Sunday morning only to find a veggie tray in the middle of the living room floor?  Something tells me that wouldn’t go over very well.

Happy Easter!  Have a beet!

I think there would be an uprising of titanic proportions.

While I was out buying Easter goodies in the form of chocolate I stopped at Lifeway and bought a couple of  books, some ressurrection eggs and a lamb Webkinz.  I also went to Target and got the girls some new spring pj’s and Madagascar 2.

I blame Target.  With all of their cheerful spring displays and trendy items.  I still maintain my theory that there is a Target conspiracy. They are taking over the world with their trendy affordable products and brilliant marketing techniques.   I mean who doesn’t love a montage of household products? Target…just know this…I am onto you.

Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of a kite on a windy day?  The things I do in the name of blogging!

She looks like she is having fun right?

After I took this picture she handed me the kite and didn’t touch it again.

Apparently she has inherited my mom’s irrational fear of flying a kite.  Sorry to out you mom but it is too funny and I have a blog.  Gotta keep it fresh!

Alivia had fun running around even though I didn’t let her hold the kite.  I mean it might carry her off to the next town or something.

It’s hard to get good pictures of her because she is constantly in motion.

She did think the basketball made a good place to sit so I took advantage of the seconds of stillness.

Addison stole her idea and shrieking soon followed. Then a few moments of sisterly love happened.

I love these girls!

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We had about 4 inches of snow a few days ago.

Addison was at my mom’s house so I took Alivia outside and she hated every minute of it.

By the time I took her inside she was losing her mind.

So I  got her settled on the couch with a warm blanket,  her loveys and a video.

MUCH happier

I took Max outside because I wanted to snap a few pictures.

Max was ecstatic!

He ran and ran!

He is the funniest dog ever!  He is big, hairy, dopey, smelly, he brings all kinds of debris in on his fur AND after he gets a drink he drips water all over the floor and your leg.  Not to mention THEN you step in the water drips while wearing socks.

BUT

He has the sweetest brown eyes EVER!

He just lies there looking all calendar cute …

And then he pees in the pristine white snow

Thanks Max

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Apparently it doesn’t take very much to make me happy.  Clorox changed the dispenser that holds their disinfecting wipes. The old dispenser sucked!

PLUS!  The new ones are really pretty.

That is all.

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I decided that I am going to keep the Lands End giveaway open until tomorrow.

It may or may not be because I am lazy.

Actually Addison is home from school today and she is desperate for my attention. Despite the fact that we ate pancakes together earlier,  she cried to me that I am ALWAYS paying attention to the baby and I NEVER pay attention to her.  Because I don’t have enough mommy guilt already!

By the waaaay I have NO EARTHLY IDEA where she gets this dramatic flair!

I am pretty sure the woe is Addison drama queen incident had something to do with the fact that I had put her in time out for spraying detangler into the air over and over again.  I guess negative attention is better than nothing to a 7 year old.

Other than that I am having a pleasant morning how about ya’ll?

Thank you to everyone who has left me a comment so far!  I am getting awesome ideas for future posts!  So many in fact that I am having trouble sleeping because my brain is working overtime.  Take THAT writers block!  If you haven’t entered yet then shake your tail feather right on over!

Now I have to go help Addison with her science project.  It involves cookies…and I think we get to eat them when we are finished.  Darn!

Is it too late to start over?

Today I went back and read some of my older posts.  It was kind of similar to when you are going through some of your old crap and you find the diary you kept when you were 14.  Except that this is the internet and anyone can read how stupid I sound.

And unlike my teenage diary, I have never written a blog post about how my parents just don’t bleeping understand my stupid world-is-coming-to-an-end teenage drama.

One day I will have several bottles glasses of wine and post some of those diary entries or better yet some of the poetry I wrote when I was 16.

OR

You could just go to your kitchen, take out your meat hammer/tenderizer thing and bash yourself in the hand repeatedly.  Because that is what I want to do when I read my old diaries.  The problem I am having is that while my diaries and poems are hidden away at the top of my closet my blog is here on the world wide internet.

Yeah.

Plus I put it here on purpose.  Because I thought it would be fun.

Too bad I didn’t anticipate how I might feel a few months later. I guess I will just leave all of those posts alone and hope to goodness that no one ever goes back that far.  I think that is a pretty safe bet since the only comments I get on the old posts say things like “free penis pump do you want to lose eleventy hundred pounds in 6 days Acai berry extract home insurance quotes”

Wii-itis really?

We got a Wii for Christmas from my parents.  It is all kinds of awesome and we have been having a blast bowling, fishing, singing, racing and riding cows in our living room.  Then I heard about Wii-itis.  It is where people are actually injuring themselves while playing the Wii.  At first I was all yeah Wii-itis blah blah blah.  Then several things happened that have caused me to reconsider.

First:

Wii tennis and bowling make my shoulder ache.  I am reeeeally out of shape.  That is why when my mother in law asked me what I wanted for my birthday I happily asked for a Wii Fit.

Yay.  A game that informed me that I am obese.  OBESE!  What the crap?  I know I am overweight.  I know that I am short and fluffy and I could stand to lose 40 a couple pounds.  But obese?  I knew all of those ricotta cheese cookies and hot cocoa Hershey kisses were a bad idea.  The Wii FIt also makes this little sound when I step on like it is surprised by my hugeness.

“Oh” it says in it’s cute little Wii voice.  What it really means is “Ohhhh you are a BIG girl”

It even made my little Mii girl fat.  And that is just sad.  Because I had a conversation with Jill the other day and she said  “the Mii is me”.  She is so right.  it is just hard to deny Wii Mii science.

I am not really offended by my little obese Mii self.  I was just surprised to get a reality check from a video game.

B.

Adam stuck his hand in the ceiling fan.

I was in the kitchen drinking wine and sneaking hershey kisses cooking a healthy and delicious meal for my family when I heard my adorable and hunky husband make a weird sound in the living room.  When I glanced in there to see what was going on it appeared to be snowing in the house.  Only it wasn’t snow.  It was dust from our ceiling fan showering down upon Adam as he held his hand wincing in pain.  Apparently I need to dust the fan more often.  He had been doing yoga on the Wii Fit when he stuck his hand in the ceiling fan that was NOT set on low.  Not very zen is it?

According to Adam it hurts a little when you do that….and yoga sucks.

And Thirdly:

I injured my child while  trying to bowl a strike.  Last night I was Wii bowling and I hit Alivia in the pinky finger with the Wi remote.

She cried like a baby.  Wait she is a baby.  Go ahead and call Child Protective services.  I know I am going to be labeled a child abuser.  I already have a defense ready though.  It wasn’t me…it was Mii.

*updated to add that Mr.007 doesn’t like my First, B. and Thirdly sequencing.  I am not really stupid, I did it on purpose to be funny.  Evidently that was a funny FAIL.

** updated again to direct you down to Mel’s comment.  She thinks I am “Wii-tarded”  and I think she is hilarious.