I have a few things stuck in my head and I keep saying them out loud and laughing like a crazy person. “Hey ya’ll !….I’m nayked! ” and ” I really had to poop a lot, so that I could be this hot “ Watch this video and you will see why it’s so funny. Oh Mad TV….why did they have to cancel you?
This story involves a beautiful wedding. And cows mooing. And farting.
And lots and lots of inappropriate laughing.
Have you ever been at a wedding or a funeral or even at church and you just get tickled? It starts with a giggle and then before you know it your shoulders are shaking and tears are running down your cheeks. And you know that it is entirely inappropriate to be laughing so you try to contain it. But the urge to laugh just won’t go away.
Well…if you can relate to that feeling keep reading.
A few years ago Adam, myself and Addison( then about 3yrs old I think) along with Adam’s parents and sister April traveled to North Carolina. Emily who is a very close family friend was getting married so we went to Asheville for a few days. Claxton Farm is where the wedding was held. It is such a beautiful setting and what made it even more unique was that there are cows, miniature horses, llamas, goats and camels. Emily and Will are veterinarians, so the animals being there was a really cool addition to already wonderful surroundings.
When it came time for the ceremony people stopped talking and the atmosphere became serene. While the vows were being said you could hear cows mooing and that was pretty funny all by itself. Everyone in attendance laughed when a cow interrupted the ceremony and then it just became part of the experience.
But then we heard a sound that no one should ever hear during the most important romantic moment of a couple’s life.
A fart.
And it wasn’t just a small hardly audible poot.
It was a man fart.
A fart so loud it reciprocated off of the folding chair and echoed in the ears of the back four rows of the bride’s side. The strange thing was that we couldn’t tell from which direction it had originated. And as soon as it happened people started exchanging glances and snickering.
Now remember internets….the vows were being said during this moment. So we HAD to hold it in. We couldn’t screech with the laughter that wanted so badly to escape from our bodies. We couldn’t chuckle aloud and say ” good one” to whoever it was that let the air biscuit. We couldn’t ask our neighbor if they had been the one to cut the cheese. We had to pretend it didn’t happen and try to focus on the marriage that was taking place at the exact moment that the North Carolina barking spider chose to well….bark.
And you could see that the aftermath of the bean bomber was spreading among the immediate area. There were two young guys sitting in front of us with their parents. We watched as they quietly tried to ask each other if the other was responsible for the crack rattler.
By this time we are all in hysterics. Just when you thought you had yourself under control you would see the person in front you start to lose it. Their shoulders would start to shake and you would hear a choking sound because they were trying to hold their breath unsuccessfully.
We still didn’t know who the let churchhouse creeper, but I was starting to suspect someone. I noticed my sweet little cherub faced 3 year old was squirming in her seat.
She looked uncomfortable. She looked embarrassed. And then I just knew. And Adam and I met eyes and then I knew that he knew too.
We were all unbelievably relieved when the vows were all said and the bride and groom were announced as man and wife and we could finally relax. We all got our chance to giggle, but oddly enough it wasn’t as funny when we were free to laugh as loud as we wanted. And it definitely wasn’t as funny when I had the knowledge that it was my darling child who caused the whole farting scene.
And bless her heart. She was embarrassed. I think it was the first time she had ever felt that emotion. So we didn’t make a big thing about it, but she did confirm what we already knew. She was the toot tooter.
I guess I should go ahead and apologize to my precious child for telling this story that she will undoubtedly one day read. I am sorry Addison. Everybody has a butt…and everybody farts. Don’t be embarrassed…just laugh about it and move on. I am sorry your life is such good blog fodder.
What am I saying? I am not sorry. Thank you for being my muse! You just give me some really great writing material what with all of the wedding farting….and sticking lip gloss in the dog’s butt. I love you Addison. My little tooter bug.
Oh and also if any of you would like to know where I found a few of my fart references….check out the Fart Thesaurus. Thank you Google for coming through once again.
For more stories that won’t be going in the scrapbook…visit Kristen at We are THAT family.
This is the story of the day my lovely innocent cherub of a child stuck lip gloss up the dog’s butt.
This lip gloss was a staple during my high school years. I had a certain obsession with it. It smells like cake. Delicious wonderful vanilla cake with luscious vanilla frosting. In my lifetime I have probably purchased approximately 50 tubes of this shiny lip enhancer. Sometimes I would use it until the very last drop was gone. And sometimes I would lose a brand new tube the day after I bought it. So for years I would find them everywhere. Under the passenger seat in my car, in an old purse I was giving to Goodwill or the pocket of a jacket I have been keeping around since 1999.
So it didn’t come as much of a shock when a 3 year old Addison came toddling up to me carrying the familiar tube. I thought to myself…”wow I haven’t seen one of those in a while”.
Then she said these words. “Smell it”.
I wish I could say that I didn’t do it. I guess I just couldn’t even fathom the horror of what was about to happen to my nostrils.
But this sweet little face was looking at me and saying “Mommy smell it”.
So I put the tube up to my nose and sniffed.
OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GAG! RETCH! OH NO!
What IN THE SAM HILL WORLD did I just smell?
After I regained consciousness…I asked Addison where exactly she had put that lip gloss tube before she brought it to me to smell it.
Her silence spoke volumes.
After a series of questions I was able to deduce that she had in fact stuck the vanilla frosting lip smackers lip gloss tube up Max’s butt.
I have smelled a lot of gross things in my life. But I have NEVER I repeat NEVER smelled anything as horrible or wretched in my entire existence on this planet!
This incident happened 4 years ago people! I can still remember the horribleness.
Clearly I am suffering from Post Traumatic Olfactory Disorder. I need help.
I don’t think you can fully grasp the seriousness of the situation. Let’s recap.
I SMELLED A LIP GLOSS TUBE THAT WAS INSIDE MY DOG’S BUTT!
Ok. I am ok now. I am calm.
You may have a hard time understanding why I chose to put my nose to the lip gloss, so to speak. Well Addison’s cuteness had a hold of me. Here is a video that will serve 2 purposes. Show you the caliber of cuteness we were dealing with. And to honor Veterans day yesterday and show a little patriotism.
For more pictures and stories that will NEVER make it into a scrapbook visit Kristen’s Fro’ Me to You Thursday’s here.
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