And I was standing right there when it happened.   I am such an attentive parent.

For more Wordless Wednesday posts visit Five Minutes For Mom

WELCOME Blog Hop People!!!   I am THE one and only Mrs.007.  Well other than my mother in law and my husband’s Grandma Bond.  I guess that means I am NOT the one and only…whatever I am SO the coolest one.

ANYWAY…My name is Ashley and I am a 28 yr old wife and  stay at home mother of 2 girls.

This blog is my hobby.  I have always wanted to be a writer and I am just too lazy BUSY to make it happen.

I keep it real here at Mrs.007.com.  I am just a girl who got thrown into marriage and motherhood early (  BTW not necessarily in that order).

I write about lots of  extremely important things like how I sometimes suck at being a mom, how my daughter once stuck lip gloss in our dogs butt or the time she let one RIP right in the middle of a wedding.

I hope you don’t pass judgment too easily!

Leave me a comment and I will be your best friend…but totally NOT in an creepy online stalker kind of way.  *ahem*

12 days ago I started the BIG SPRING CLEANING PROJECT.  Otherwise known as clean out every dresser, closet and drawer and throw the junk in the dining room.  It was horrible nightmarish process.  There were piles of crap everywhere.

There were goodwill piles, consignment store piles and trash bag piles.  I finally got rid of the last load of things a couple of days ago.  I looked around at the house and it was FILTHY DIRTY!  It looked like a pack of wild dogs lived here. It was a pigsty.  Or a dogsty.  Whatever… I am not kidding.

So I spent the last few days vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing and Clorox wiping.  Mr. 007 and I even washed the windows inside and outside.  Actually he did the outside and I stood inside  scrubbing the  inside of the window yelling” You missed a spot”!

Hey I am nothing if not thorough.

So this morning I woke up to a spotless house and it felt so nice that I decided to make homemade sweet potato muffins for breakfast.  I honestly don’t know what I was thinking dirtying up my beautifully clean kitchen like that but I guess it was just one of those domestic impulses that I later regret and bitch about cleaning up.

While I was mixing up the batter for the muffins Alivia let out an ear piercing scream and Addison called out in a panicky voice “MOMMY IT’S STUCK IN HER HEAD IT’S STUCK IN HER HEAD I AM SO SORRY IT’S STUCK IN HER HEAD!” All the while Livie is crying and crying as Adam and I race into the room.

Then I saw it.  An electronic motorized gerbil was stuck in my baby’s hair.  It was attacking her head.  It had wrapped it’s little wheel feet things around and around her hair and she was freaking out.

It may look innocent enough...but this is the rare, hair eating, toddler attacking gerbil of North America. Approach with extreme caution!

I honestly breathed a sigh of relief.  As I found the off switch I was just so happy it was only her hair and not as bad as I was picturing.  When Addison said something was stuck in Livie’s head I honestly pictured blood and an emergency room visit.  Adam took the gerbil apart and we only had to cut a tiny bit out of her hair to detach it from her head.

just minutes before the attack

They didn't even see it coming...so innocent.

Anyway after the motorized gerbil attack I finished the muffins and waited for them to bake. When they were finished I thought I would sprinkle a little powdered sugar over the tops for a bit of sweetness.  I only did this because Addison had groaned about how GROSS sweet potato muffins are even though she had never even heard of such a thing. I figured powdered sugar would make them a little more appetizing to her.

I have one of these Pampered Chef flour/sugar shaker things so I found the Ziploc bag filled with the sugar, put it in the shaker and sprinkled the tops of the warm muffins.

I got a little sugar on my finger in the process so I licked it off.

Something was wrong.

%&#@!!! ACK!   It wasn’t powdered sugar!  It was cornstarch! $#@$!!!

And let me just tell you I was IRATE.  I was so mad I could have SPIT NAILS!  I might have said an ugly word or two.

Enter Adam who actually saw humor in this situation.  He grabbed the camera and started taking pictures of the muffins despite my EXPLICIT OBJECTIONS! He told me that I needed to laugh at myself.

Yeah that's not powdered sugar.

You know what?  I have no problem finding humor in my stupidity.  I just need a buffer of a little bit longer than um 30 seconds after I do the stupid thing.  I need a buffer!

I was able to get most of the cornstarch off the muffins with a wet paper towel and sprinkle the real powdered sugar on top.  We added a little butter and they actually tasted pretty good.  And now I know that you should label your Ziploc bags when you put unidentifiable white powders inside.  Because cornstarch tastes like you licked the bottom of a shoe.  I am just saying.

So the bottom line is if you haven’t blogged in 12 days all it takes is a baby eating gerbil crisis and a ridiculous baking blunder to kick start your writers block.

Yay me!

Ehh? What’s that you say?

Sorry apparently I am having a hard time hearing

you.  Hold on a minute I need to stir my Metamucil

into my prune juice. I will be right with you after I

change my Depends

because oops I just crapped my pants!

Ok now we can sit a spell and visit.

Now….let’s get right to it.

Which one of you did it?

Who sent my name into whomever it is that decides that you are an official old person.  Is there some sort of agency that has a list of people who watch FoxNews and Bill O’Reilly?

I am only 28 people!

Can someone please explain to me why I keep getting AARP notices in the mail at least once a week?  And what is up with the hearing aid advertisements? Yesterday I got an offer in the mail for some sort of program to help with my funeral expenses.

MY FUNERAL EXPENSES!!!!

I have also gotten several coupons for free lunch and learn seminars at local restaurants.  Here you go Mrs. Bond have a free lunch.  All you have to do is come and listen to why our hearing aid is the best out there!  We will even give you a free hearing test at our auditory clinic.

What would happen if I actually showed up to one of these lunch and learn things?

I can just imagine myself strolling into the restaurant carrying Alivia in the sling.

“Oh hi ya’ll I am here for my free lunch and to learn all about your awesome hearing aids.  YES I am really 75 years old.  This is just my granddaughter.  Yeah I just have a really good plastic surgeon.  I SAID I HAVE A REALLY GOOD PLASTIC SURGEON!”

BAH!

Wii-itis really?

We got a Wii for Christmas from my parents.  It is all kinds of awesome and we have been having a blast bowling, fishing, singing, racing and riding cows in our living room.  Then I heard about Wii-itis.  It is where people are actually injuring themselves while playing the Wii.  At first I was all yeah Wii-itis blah blah blah.  Then several things happened that have caused me to reconsider.

First:

Wii tennis and bowling make my shoulder ache.  I am reeeeally out of shape.  That is why when my mother in law asked me what I wanted for my birthday I happily asked for a Wii Fit.

Yay.  A game that informed me that I am obese.  OBESE!  What the crap?  I know I am overweight.  I know that I am short and fluffy and I could stand to lose 40 a couple pounds.  But obese?  I knew all of those ricotta cheese cookies and hot cocoa Hershey kisses were a bad idea.  The Wii FIt also makes this little sound when I step on like it is surprised by my hugeness.

“Oh” it says in it’s cute little Wii voice.  What it really means is “Ohhhh you are a BIG girl”

It even made my little Mii girl fat.  And that is just sad.  Because I had a conversation with Jill the other day and she said  “the Mii is me”.  She is so right.  it is just hard to deny Wii Mii science.

I am not really offended by my little obese Mii self.  I was just surprised to get a reality check from a video game.

B.

Adam stuck his hand in the ceiling fan.

I was in the kitchen drinking wine and sneaking hershey kisses cooking a healthy and delicious meal for my family when I heard my adorable and hunky husband make a weird sound in the living room.  When I glanced in there to see what was going on it appeared to be snowing in the house.  Only it wasn’t snow.  It was dust from our ceiling fan showering down upon Adam as he held his hand wincing in pain.  Apparently I need to dust the fan more often.  He had been doing yoga on the Wii Fit when he stuck his hand in the ceiling fan that was NOT set on low.  Not very zen is it?

According to Adam it hurts a little when you do that….and yoga sucks.

And Thirdly:

I injured my child while  trying to bowl a strike.  Last night I was Wii bowling and I hit Alivia in the pinky finger with the Wi remote.

She cried like a baby.  Wait she is a baby.  Go ahead and call Child Protective services.  I know I am going to be labeled a child abuser.  I already have a defense ready though.  It wasn’t me…it was Mii.

*updated to add that Mr.007 doesn’t like my First, B. and Thirdly sequencing.  I am not really stupid, I did it on purpose to be funny.  Evidently that was a funny FAIL.

** updated again to direct you down to Mel’s comment.  She thinks I am “Wii-tarded”  and I think she is hilarious.

For this week’s  Fro me to you I just wanted to take this opportunity to recap some pictures from the past few months.    We are NOT the people you love to hate because of our perfection.  We are just hanging in there every day trying not to run from the house screaming.  Most of the time we just have to laugh and go with the flow.  So here you go…a little taste of the madness:

Remember our stupid kitten? He is still driving us crazy daily. He is still free to a good home ;)

A collaborative effort. The dog and the cat were in on this one. Gah!

Remind me again why we have animals.

Oh that's right. I am insane.

Some days I can't catch a break

This keeps me up at night

My laundry room at it's worst. I should be more embarrassed.

I am not lazy I swear.

10 granola bar wrappers from under the couch cushion. Where else would they be?

One reason it's all worth it

and another good reason

For more Fro’ me to you fun go here

This is why we are not sending Christmas cards this year

We have only one bathroom.  It sucks.  But we live in an older home that was built in 1962. It has a certain charm, but the one bathroom part just isn’t part of the charming character.

Tonight I was peeing while my 7 year old daughter Addison was brushing her teeth.

Addie:  “Mommy why are you wearing a diaper in your panties?”

Me:  ” heehee it’s not a diaper”

Addie:  ” well it looks like a diaper what the heck is it?”

Addie again: “mommy…why is there pink on your paper towel?”

Me:  “You mean toilet paper?”

Addison : “well yeah”

Me (completely caught off guard): “well it is something that happens to grown up girls.  It’s called a period”

Addie:”….”

Me ( in my head) :  ” she thinks I am talking about a dot…she thinks I am referring to punctuation. Oh jeez”

Oh and I was right

Addie: “a period?…like at the end of a sentence?”

Me: ” it’s actually called a menstrual cycle.  It’s something God gave women so we can have babies”

Addie: “YOU”RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY?   I don’t think I can handle it!”

Seriously that’s what she said….

Me:” no I am not having another baby….not for a couple of years”

Apparently when we had Alivia, Addison’s whole world turned upside down.  And now she thinks I have punctuation in my panties.  I am probably gonna hear from the school counselor on that one.

This is embarrassing for me.

Since Christmas is approaching and I have been cleaning the house so I can get out the decorations a funny story came back to me.  It didn’t happen very long ago. It must have been in January of this year.

Here is the story.

We have this Christmas tree bag.  It is a big rectangle tarp-like bag that holds our artificial tree.  Yes I have a fake tree.  I love real trees, but I don’t have the patience to put on the lights.  Thus I have a big bag with our tree and our wreaths inside.  Soooooo what happened was…

The bag is HUGE I didn’t think I could fit it in the attic, so I dragged ( is that even a word?)  the bag outside into our shed.  Our shed is attached to our carport and it is damp, dark, gross and filled with spiders and cave crickets.  So obviously I avoid the shed unless I really need to go in there.

So I heaved the tree bag with our Christmas tree inside it out in the shed because I…well because I am a control freak and I wanted it out of the dining room floor and I didn’t want to wait for my husband to get home.  There I said it.  I am an impatient control freak.

When I told Adam where I put it  he  told me it wasn’t a good idea to store it out there.  Well that made me a little perturbed.  I dragged the heavy darned thing out there and now he was telling me that we weren’t going to be leaving it out there.  So about a week later I went back out there in the damp dark shed. I hauled the bag inside our house and upstairs into the attic.

When I got it up there I started to hear a sound.  I would describe it as raindrops.  A thousand million raindrops coming from the inside of the Christmas tree bag.  I could see the bag moving in spots and that along with the sounds coming from the bag I panicked.  My heart started pounding and I slammed the attic door closed and RAN downstairs to hide in my room.  I expected hundreds of insects or spiders or baby mice to follow me down the stairs like I was the pied piper or something.  I just KNEW there was something horrifying inside that bag.

So I called my husband at work. I was talking really fast and squeaky because I am a drama queen like that.  Just sayin’

” Hey I brought the Christmas tree bag in the house and I put it in the attic but it’s making a weird sound and I think there is something alive in there because it sounds like it’s raining on the inside of the bag and I am freaking out can you tell I am freaking out? yeah can you come home and fix it?”

This was before he got his current job in the town where we live and he was 32 miles away in Nashville.  So because he is such a good husband he took his lunch break to come rescue his bride from all the “critters” in the Christmas tree bag.   When he arrived he went upstairs into the attic and dragged the bag downstairs and out to our deck.  I made him close the sliding glass door because I didn’t want the “critters” to get me.

When he opened the bag guess what was there?

A Christmas tree…and a wreath.  And gasp!….one dead fly.

Yeah….that was all.  Good thing he doesn’t work at that job anymore because I think the Christmas party this year would be really embarrassing for me.  Because at last year’s party I had just had a baby and 3 glasses of wine made me trip over a chair (I am such a graceful goober). And this year it would have been all about the empty Christmas tree bag that caused Adam to drive 64 miles round trip on his lunch break.  This is what it’s like to be married to me.